In my post, I meant that I love Jesus more than I love anyone else. As in, He is number one on the list. Not that I love Him more than you do.
Also, I do not love people. Ever. I am cold-hearted and selfish and big-headed. I always want it my way. I've changed practically everything about myself in the last 3 years. Apparently its not enough.

Well I'm finally back. I was on a short trip and had no internet with which to blog. I could tell you all about it, but today I need this blog to write down and organize my thoughts instead. See, I'm really struggling in life right now. Let me explain.

I love full-time ministry. I love it. I would love to quite my mill job and work full-time as soon as possible. However, I have bills to pay. I have a wedding to fund. But I'm still struggling every day with going to work. I dread waking up during the week becuz I know I am gunna have to go back to work again. Here is my struggle: am I not trusting God to provide by staying at my decent paying job? Or am I showing God that I am taking an initiative? That I'm dedicated to giving Whitney everything her heart desires?

I also struggle with my heart. Yes, my heart. I am fully secure in my love for Christ. I know that He loves me passionately and without reserve. That also is how I love people. Thats how I love my family, my fiance, and my friends. With full heart and full passion. But I struggle becuz it leaves me feeling empty. I want to be loved passionately in return. I know that Jesus' love should be enough to sustain me, but its tough to accept. Its tough to accept that the intensity that I love people is not returned. Jesus loves us all beyond our belief and I cant help but to love the same way. Christian means Christ-like right? I feel like Christ's passion is something I have embraced fully. So when my own love isnt returned as eagerly, I feel let down. I feel like a terrible person when I think these thoughts. Like I'm judging people. Or that I'm better than them. I'm not, ok? I DO love Jesus more than anyone else, but my passion for Him makes me passionate for you.

I'm dealing with a lot these days. A lot of heavy things if I may say so. Its difficult to accept that I may have to wait to be a full-time minister. Its difficult to know you love someone more than they love you.

God, You said Your burden is easy and Your yoke is light. Why does it not feel that way to your faithful servant?

Why do I feel this way? I know I shouldnt. But I cant help it. Ur so much happier there. They make ur day. I just hold you back. expect you to grow up. ruin the fun. At least ur happy. just go be happy. its what you want, not this.

Welp, today was a decent one. I woke up around 9 or so and went to my parent's to help them pack stuff up for yard sale. Took a long time and we only did half the basement :p big yard sale. Anyways, I came home tonight and played lazy after that. My uncle was up from Tenn. so I got to see him for awhile today too. I hadnt seen him in years it seems like. Fun times. So then, I got to talk to Whitney for awhile, which is always a nice addition to the day. Usually its the best part of the day to be honest. I love her.

Well I was too tired yesterday to post for the first day of April but whatever. I lead a boring life with minimal excitement so you didnt miss much. I worked and then played tennis for an hour or so with Adam and then played video games for awhile. Then I stopped in at the Shed but it was pretty dead so I went home and played a little CoD with Corey. Then I went to bed cuz there was just nothing better to do really. See? Boring life. I barely do anything ever. I am lame.