What a day

Well I'm finally back. I was on a short trip and had no internet with which to blog. I could tell you all about it, but today I need this blog to write down and organize my thoughts instead. See, I'm really struggling in life right now. Let me explain.

I love full-time ministry. I love it. I would love to quite my mill job and work full-time as soon as possible. However, I have bills to pay. I have a wedding to fund. But I'm still struggling every day with going to work. I dread waking up during the week becuz I know I am gunna have to go back to work again. Here is my struggle: am I not trusting God to provide by staying at my decent paying job? Or am I showing God that I am taking an initiative? That I'm dedicated to giving Whitney everything her heart desires?

I also struggle with my heart. Yes, my heart. I am fully secure in my love for Christ. I know that He loves me passionately and without reserve. That also is how I love people. Thats how I love my family, my fiance, and my friends. With full heart and full passion. But I struggle becuz it leaves me feeling empty. I want to be loved passionately in return. I know that Jesus' love should be enough to sustain me, but its tough to accept. Its tough to accept that the intensity that I love people is not returned. Jesus loves us all beyond our belief and I cant help but to love the same way. Christian means Christ-like right? I feel like Christ's passion is something I have embraced fully. So when my own love isnt returned as eagerly, I feel let down. I feel like a terrible person when I think these thoughts. Like I'm judging people. Or that I'm better than them. I'm not, ok? I DO love Jesus more than anyone else, but my passion for Him makes me passionate for you.

I'm dealing with a lot these days. A lot of heavy things if I may say so. Its difficult to accept that I may have to wait to be a full-time minister. Its difficult to know you love someone more than they love you.

God, You said Your burden is easy and Your yoke is light. Why does it not feel that way to your faithful servant?