In my post, I meant that I love Jesus more than I love anyone else. As in, He is number one on the list. Not that I love Him more than you do.
Also, I do not love people. Ever. I am cold-hearted and selfish and big-headed. I always want it my way. I've changed practically everything about myself in the last 3 years. Apparently its not enough.

Well I'm finally back. I was on a short trip and had no internet with which to blog. I could tell you all about it, but today I need this blog to write down and organize my thoughts instead. See, I'm really struggling in life right now. Let me explain.

I love full-time ministry. I love it. I would love to quite my mill job and work full-time as soon as possible. However, I have bills to pay. I have a wedding to fund. But I'm still struggling every day with going to work. I dread waking up during the week becuz I know I am gunna have to go back to work again. Here is my struggle: am I not trusting God to provide by staying at my decent paying job? Or am I showing God that I am taking an initiative? That I'm dedicated to giving Whitney everything her heart desires?

I also struggle with my heart. Yes, my heart. I am fully secure in my love for Christ. I know that He loves me passionately and without reserve. That also is how I love people. Thats how I love my family, my fiance, and my friends. With full heart and full passion. But I struggle becuz it leaves me feeling empty. I want to be loved passionately in return. I know that Jesus' love should be enough to sustain me, but its tough to accept. Its tough to accept that the intensity that I love people is not returned. Jesus loves us all beyond our belief and I cant help but to love the same way. Christian means Christ-like right? I feel like Christ's passion is something I have embraced fully. So when my own love isnt returned as eagerly, I feel let down. I feel like a terrible person when I think these thoughts. Like I'm judging people. Or that I'm better than them. I'm not, ok? I DO love Jesus more than anyone else, but my passion for Him makes me passionate for you.

I'm dealing with a lot these days. A lot of heavy things if I may say so. Its difficult to accept that I may have to wait to be a full-time minister. Its difficult to know you love someone more than they love you.

God, You said Your burden is easy and Your yoke is light. Why does it not feel that way to your faithful servant?

Why do I feel this way? I know I shouldnt. But I cant help it. Ur so much happier there. They make ur day. I just hold you back. expect you to grow up. ruin the fun. At least ur happy. just go be happy. its what you want, not this.

Welp, today was a decent one. I woke up around 9 or so and went to my parent's to help them pack stuff up for yard sale. Took a long time and we only did half the basement :p big yard sale. Anyways, I came home tonight and played lazy after that. My uncle was up from Tenn. so I got to see him for awhile today too. I hadnt seen him in years it seems like. Fun times. So then, I got to talk to Whitney for awhile, which is always a nice addition to the day. Usually its the best part of the day to be honest. I love her.

Well I was too tired yesterday to post for the first day of April but whatever. I lead a boring life with minimal excitement so you didnt miss much. I worked and then played tennis for an hour or so with Adam and then played video games for awhile. Then I stopped in at the Shed but it was pretty dead so I went home and played a little CoD with Corey. Then I went to bed cuz there was just nothing better to do really. See? Boring life. I barely do anything ever. I am lame.

Once again, I failed to post for a long time. I think I need to post on here more often so here goes.
Today I didnt have to work at the mill so I decided to get some stuff done. I got things in order with Liberty University Online. I'm hoping I can get financial check-in finished up by March 14th so I can get a 15% discount on tuition but I really doubt FAFSA will have gone through by then. But I can hope! IF not, I'll have to wait until May 15th to start classes. Summer semester, woo!
Then I was lazy all day. I read a lot in the Circle series today. I'm still in Red but I'm about done with it. Pretty much some of the greatest books I've ever read. Ranks with Harry Potter, they're THAT good. But Ted Dekker writes so many good books. I could probably drain my bank account buying all of them. I think he has to have close to 20 or so.
Whitney is coming home on Friday!!! I'm so excited! She isnt really, but she's been sick for like 2 weeks so I can excuse her for that. I just hope I can make her happier while she's here cuz I dont seem to do a good job while she's away. I'm trying though!

Well this morning is my last morning in Phoenix.  We leave here in a couple hours to head home. Last night was a lot of fun though! Well first let me tell you about yesterday. First, I was up early so I got some extra reading in which is good. Then we had morning session which was very good if I do say so. It was about dropping your own dreams and picking up God's cause. Then we had lunch and headed back for afternoon sessions. However, we were insanely bored becuz it was sort of a long commercial for his products. So we just left and gave ourselves a longer break than expected. But evening service! Whew! It  was a lot of fun! It was called Timeless Worship. They started with hymns and worked their way through Jesus music and gospel music and bluegrass and modern worship and everything in between. Larry Wayne Morbitt sang. He spent years of Broadway and is now the phantom in the Las Vegas production of The Phantom of the Opera. It was a lot of fun.

This Phoenix trip has been absolutely awesome. Words cannot express how much fun I've had here and how refreshed I feel going back. It gets even better beuz now I get to go straight to Evansville to see my beautiful fiance! This week is just the best ever!

Well I havent posted about my trip in a few days now. This is not my fault, however. Weebly was having issues with their site and I couldnt do anything with it. So here I am now, 4 days or so since my last post. I'll give ya the rundown.

Saturday was a sightseeing day. First thing we did was walk down the street to the Hertz place and get a rental car. We got a real snazzy car for cheaper than the other would've been so in the end, it all worked out with that situation. Once we had the car, we went and got some food. Then we went downtown and I took lots of pictures of all the stadiums and mountains and such. Then we attneded Saturday night service at Radiant Church in Surprise, AZ. The music was a little heavy for my liking in worship but service was pretty good. They did have a pretty cool prayer tower upstairs. Then we headed back and conked out for the night.
Sunday was church day. First, we attended the 9 am service at New Life Fellowship and then we drove over and caught the 10:30 at Calvary Community. I liked New Life the best but neither were really great. Then we drove over to Camelback Mountain and I got pictures of it and of the praying monk rock formation. We also saw Phoenix Mountain Preserve, which I swore I would hike up the next day. Then we got registered for the conference and had evening service at Phoenix First Assembly of God. This place is massive. It feels more like a college campus. They were talking about bringing hundreds to Christ every single service. HUGE! Jentezen Franklin brought a great word and worship was incredible.
Monday! Remember that mountain I swore to hike up? Yeah, well, I did :) it was unbelievable. I fully realized just how great God is by looking at His creation from that mountaintop. Incredible. Then we played some mini golf to kill time. Evening service was pretty fun. It was the Parade of Ministries. Phoenix First has like 280 ministries or something and so they all came through and it was like a show and tell sorta thing. It was fun though.
Tuesday was the first official day of conference. Lots of classes and sessions to attend. It was a lot of fun though and I think I was set back on the right path again with my own visions for my church. Then the evening service was called Glam and they did a musical production based from Glee. It was good. Singing was ok but the message was good. The best voice was this Spanish guy but his song was in Spanish so I dont know what he sang but it sounded good! Then I was exhausted so I went to bed.

Pretty good week thus far! One more day of conference! Then the fun continues cuz I got to go see Whitney! :D

As I write this, I am sitting in a small apartment on an indian mission in Phoenix, AZ. Why? Becuz we have a pastor's conference to go to this week of course! So let me bring you up to speed. Thursday night we stayed at Shannon's mom's house becuz our flight left at 5:45 am on Friday. I got maybe 4 hrs of sleep that night before waking up at 4 to go to the airport. We got there, checked in, and got through security without a bump in the road. Then the fun began. When we got to the desk for our flight, they told us they closed the door with 10 minutes til flight time to make sure it left on time. We were there 7 minutes before. So we missed our flight by 3 minutes. So our options were this: wait until 6pm to get the same flight to Phoenix or take a 7 am flight to Charlotte and then get a non-stop to Phoenix at 4:30pm with the chance of being boosted up to the 9:30am flight. So we waited around for awhile and got on the the one-hour flight to Charlotte. We landed and practically ran to the concourse for the early flight. We learned that people had been waiting since 7 to get on it so chances were looking bleak. But thankfully we were the last ones called and we made it on. It was a five and a half hour, non-stop flight on an A317 Airbus. We landed about an hour ahead of schedule. So we got our bags and took the shuttle to the rental car area. Unfortunately, we had some trouble with the car rental and after trying everything we could think of, took the shuttle back to the airport almost 3 hours later. We then took a shuttle to where we are staying. We walked about a half mile to a KFC and got some dinner and then grabbed some munchies from the gas station and walked back. I was completely wiped out. Our day's stats were this: 2 hours riding in cars, 4 hours of waiting, 6 and a half hours on planes, and at least an hours worth of walking all day. Technically, our day was a 26 hour day becuz AZ is two hours behind the time at home. I fell asleep on the couch and eventually made my way to bed. With as long as our day was, I have high hopes for today! It MUST be better than yesterday. God must have great things in store for us this week!

I spent a long time writing a blog. About an hour and a half. Many tears went into it. But I decided to save it as a draft instead. I couldnt bear the possible respone to it. I absolutely hate hurting you and if I have to keep all my feelings to myself to keep from hurting you, then thats what I have to do.